Thursday, September 18, 2008
Overall, it was never the gift or remembering the day, it was always being special that I did not like most. It was not like I accomplished something or did something great, I just didn't die for another year. Birthdays have always made me just simply want to be praised for something that I have actually done or worked for, and for this reason most birthdays have been a disappointment.
I have felt this way for many years, and now that I have written it out, I feel better about it. See there is a point to having a blog.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Imagine beginning your day and just feeling like something is off. You have no reason to believe that there is anything wrong but you simply feel off. You continue your day as if everything were okay but as you go about your schedule you just know that something is wrong. Then it happens…always different but always the same…you bite down on something and crack a tooth…you feel a tooth is loose and before you know it that tooth falls out…or you hit your mouth on something and accidentally knock a tooth out. It’s painful…every time. It’s bloody…every time. And every time it happens you think, “this is just like in my dream.” Each and every time is just like in my dream. It always happens differently and it is always so real. I think or say out loud, “I knew it would eventually happen, and today’s the day.” And then it happens again, another tooth. Again painful…again bloody. Sometimes it ends here with a mouth full of blood other times they all fall out. The end result is always the same: Hopeless, Pain, Sickening…
I have a reoccurring nightmare of pain and blood where my teeth fall out about two or three times a month. Every night it is real and every night I wake up feeling hopeless, pain, and sick. And the odd thing about all of this is that I actually hope for the day when my teeth do fall out so that I will know that it truly is a dream.